


Admission Is Always Better Than Suffering Silently

by Malfoy_Lupin



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: College AU, Homecoming, M/M, Unsaid feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 18:28:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14314575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malfoy_Lupin/pseuds/Malfoy_Lupin
Summary: Fulfilled from the prompt:Poe and Ben/Kylo are neighbors who keep running into each other in the halls of their apartment complex. They talk, they've had classes together and studied together, they've hung out with each other a few times, and they will absolutely not admit that they are ridiculously attracted to each other...Until late one night/early one morning Poe catches Ben/Kylo doing a walk of shame. Ben/Kylo is embarrassed and ashamed and looking a little worse for wear; Poe is shocked and hurt, but he offers to have Ben come in and help him clean up. Poe confronts Ben.





	Admission Is Always Better Than Suffering Silently

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lisalicious](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lisalicious/gifts).



> This was written for the knightpilot exchange for Lisalicious! I LOVED the idea of this AU, and I hope you enjoy it!

Poe knew as soon as his neighbor bent down to pet BB8 that his junior year was going to be great. BB always liked new places, and he just could not wait to get into their new space to sniff everything from the previous owner and find the best spot to take naps in. 

“BB! Okay, okay, buddy you can go ahead. Hold on.” Poe leaned down to grab his dog’s collar, unhooking the leash. BB8 struggled up the stairs on his tiny legs, but his excitement couldn’t be snuffed out. He wriggled himself up to the top and bolted down the hall. 

Except he didn’t head into the room like Poe had expected him to. When Poe reached the top of the stairs, instead he saw BB8 barking at the ankles of an exceptionally tall student, carrying a large box of books in one hand and trying to unlock his door with the other. 

“BB8! Come here! God, I’m so sorry. He gets excited. He likes new people…” Poe bit his lip, bracing himself for an annoyed look or a comment about how dogs were supposed to be on leashes while outside the apartments. Instead, the guy turned and gave him a smile and shook his head, his long black locks following along with the movement. He squatted down to let BB8 sniff his hand before he scratched the top of his head.

“It’s all right. He’s cute. I just don’t want to step on him. I’m a giant.” 

Poe couldn’t argue with that. He was short, sure, but this guy was easily over 6 foot. “It’s a good thing BB8 is loud, at least. He’ll make himself known. Do you need help with that?” Poe nodded to the box in his arms. 

“Nah, that’s okay. I’m fine.” As if to prove it, he stuck the key into the lock, turned the handle, and opened the door with one hand. He held the door open with his foot and set the box down on the floor just inside the apartment. He turned back to Poe and held out his hand. “I’m Ben.”

“Poe. Are you a student here?”

“Yeah. I just transferred in, actually. I’m a junior.”

“Oh, well, welcome! I’m a junior, too. What do you study?”

“Poli-sci, with a history minor.”

“You’re kidding.” Poe couldn’t believe his luck. “I’m a history minor, too! Maybe we’ll have some classes together.”

“I hope so,” Ben replied with a smile. “I mean, it’ll be nice to have a familiar face around.”

“Yeah.” Poe grinned back at him. New year, an apartment of his own, and a handsome neighbor/new friend… yeah, he had a good feeling about the year. “Let me know when you get settled in, I can show you around.”

“Sure.”

**  
Turned out they had two classes together that year for their minor. It was a friendship that started from the first moment and continued throughout their junior year and over the summer, keeping in touch and even meeting up a few times to go on trips together. It was easy and fun—Poe had never seen BB8 get so attached to someone else. 

The only problem was the feeling Poe got in his stomach whenever Ben was around, starting about halfway through their junior year…and continuing throughout the summer…and, of course, reappearing when Poe arrived on campus for their senior year and found Ben in the hallway of their building. 

“Poe!” Ben’s giant feet pounded the carpeted hall as he bounded toward Poe. Poe had a half second to react before he was crushed in a hug. “I missed you!” 

Poe laughed, rising up onto his tip toes in order to reach his arms over Ben’s shoulders. It had been a month since they’d seen each other last. “I missed you too!”

“Where’s Beebs? Come on, I have so much to tell you. You won’t believe what happened…” They walked together to grab the patiently waiting BB8 from the car, who hopped down from the passenger’s seat and barked at Ben’s legs again. “Hey, buddy!” Ben reached down to pick him up, letting BB give him kisses all over his face. 

“Poe!” Someone called out in the distance. The two looked over and saw Paige running toward them.

“Hey!” They greeted her, hugging her in turn. She kissed BB8’s nose before turning to Poe. 

“Can you help me bring in my textbooks? Between my guitar and my microwave, I don’t have an extra hand and I really don’t want to take another trip.”

“Sure.” Poe turned his attention to Ben. “You all right looking after BB8?”

“Of course.” Ben smiled, and even BB8 gave a bark in response. “I’ll bring him upstairs.”

“Thanks. Here are the keys.” Poe tossed them over, and Ben bumped the car door closed with his hip before heading toward the building. Paige grabbed Poe’s arm and started leading him to the building across the lawn. 

“Dear god, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Spoiler alert, this isn’t me needing your help with bringing my stuff in. This is an intervention for you.”

“Regarding what?” 

Paige rolled her eyes. “Poe Dameron, I swear to god, don’t make me hit some sense into you. You’ve told me yourself that you like Ben…you’ve liked him for nearly a year, and you haven’t done anything about it.” 

“Well, I’m not sure that I want to… what if it ruins everything?” 

“It won’t. Besides…this is our last year. If you don’t tell him, he might move away after graduation and you’ll never see him again because of whatever job he gets. This could be your last chance.”

Poe sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t know… he might not return the feelings…”

“But then at least you know, right? And you’re out of here in a few months. And you can move on.” Paige put an arm around Poe. “But, honestly, I really don’t think you’ll be disappointed by his response.”

“Maybe. I’ll think about it.” 

“All right.” Paige pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Now come help me with those ‘books’.” 

**

“Ugh. Why does Rachel always assign the worst homework?” Ben complained from Poe’s floor, holding a book above his face. 

“Cause…she wants us to suffer?” Poe suggested, looking up from his spot on the bed. “You sure you don’t want to join me up here?”

“Yep. I’ll fall asleep reading this if I’m on something comfy.”

Poe laughed. “You’re so weird.”

Ben looked over from his book and stuck his tongue out. Poe flipped the page of the textbook and scanned the first paragraph, picking up his pen again and writing down a fact. Rachel, their history professor this semester, assigned them an essay every two weeks. The essays, although relatively short, needed to use all the reading homework assignments as sources. Paige had had her the previous semester for European history, 15th to the 21st century, and had warned them about the work load. 

Poe’s mind traveled back to the conversation Paige had dragged him into on their move-in day. He spun the pen around in his hand, gaze sliding over to Ben on the floor. Maybe Paige was right…he should take the chance…but maybe they wouldn’t get days like this again if Ben reacted badly…no more days spent complaining about studying in between actual studying. 

Poe sighed. Louder than he meant to. 

Ben’s eyes met his. “You all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Poe quickly looked away. 

“You sure?”

“Yeah, just struggling a little bit to figure out a topic.”

“Hmm…well, I mean, there’s a bunch of stuff that happened in the end of the 17th, beginning of the 18th century. I’m focusing on William of Orange’s role in the Jacobite uprisings, but you could do something on Bonnie Prince Charlie… his rise to power?”

“Yeah, maybe.” In truth, Poe had already been leaning in that direction, but he pretended to write something down anyway and turned his attention back to the book in his lap. BB8 nudged his hand with his wet nose and Poe poked it gently with a finger. It was as if Beebs was even on Paige’s side with this. 

I know, buddy, I know… he thought to himself. 

**

“So, homecoming is in two weeks…” Paige announced at brunch as she sat down in front of her pancakes and bacon. 

“Unless they’ve hired a different DJ from last year, I’m not going,” Poe joked, cutting up the waffles on his plate. 

“God, that was terrible!” Ben joined in with a half-laugh, half-groan. 

“What they need is something we can actually move to. Get some salsa going, I’m there. That’ll be what makes it great finally.”

“Okay, but Poe, not everyone here can move their hips as good as you,” Paige pointed out. 

Poe shrugged with a grin. “It’s in my blood, what can I say? We doing our usual thing? Pregame at my place and walk over about an hour into it?” He jumped in to control the topic, having a feeling he knew where Paige wanted to steer the conversation. 

“Sounds good to me,” Ben said. 

“Me too,” Paige agreed with a nod. 

“Awesome. I’ll make a run to the store.”

“You’re the best!” Paige grinned, and she inhaled, about to say something else, but Poe jumped in before she could. 

“How’s your thesis going?” He could tell Paige noticed his obvious subject change, but he didn’t care. He glanced over at Ben as Paige launched into her explanation. He was focused on her as she explained her horrible experience with one of the librarians the other day. Poe turned his attention back to the conversation, but only physically, his mind was elsewhere. An image crossed his mind of himself and Ben at homecoming…dancing together. Together, not just as friends who went together. He liked the image. A lot. 

Maybe by then Poe would have the courage to say something. 

**

“Okay, okay, just wait one sec!” Poe said as BB8 scratched at the door to his room. He switched the plastic bag into his other hand and dug for the keys in his back pocket. BB bounded into the room and immediately plopped down on his bed in the corner. “I know, me too. We can finally have our pre-pregame nap.” He set the bag on the table in the corner. He’d bought two different six-packs of beer and a bottle of tequila, some lime juice, and salt. He popped the tequila into his fridge before he collapsed onto his bed. 

He fell asleep trying to convince himself of the courage he wasn’t sure he had. 

“Poe! You in there?” Pounding on the door followed.

Poe blearily looked around the room and shot up in the next moment. The sun was already setting. He stumbled over to the door and opened it. “Sorry!” 

Ben took in his appearance and immediately began to laugh. “Tired? Maybe you should stay in tonight, grandpa.”

“Shut up.” He smacked Ben’s arm, but smiled and let him pass through the doorway. “I ran out to grab stuff for margaritas. There’s beer, too.”

“Oh, you’re the _best_.” Ben stretched out on the bed. 

“Should I take that as a yes to margaritas?” Poe asked with a knowing smile. 

“You make the best ones.”

Poe turned to hide his flushing cheeks, grabbing the supplies out of the fridge. 

They sat side by side on the bed, sipping on the cocktails that Poe had made. Paige was late, but Poe didn’t really mind at the moment. 

“So what do you think the chances are that I got my salsa wish?” 

Ben smiled mid-sip. “I’m going to say, probably zero?”

“Lame!” Poe got up and hit play on his radio, salsa music starting to blare out of the speaker connected to his playlist. Poe swayed, moving his feet as he held onto his cocktail. “Tell me that homecoming wouldn’t be a million times better if they played this?”

Ben watched him and nodded. “Yeah, probably. You’d be the only one knowing what to do on the dance floor though. Something tells me the other students here would try to incorporate their weird club dance moves into it.”

“Well come here so I won’t be the only one on the dance floor knowing what I’m doing.” He set his drink aside and held out both hands to Ben. Ben hesitated. “Come on, come on. It’s fun.” He tugged Ben off the bed and into the center of the room. “Watch my feet. Try it.” 

Ben’s feet were clunky and his hips were immobile, Poe couldn’t help but laugh.

“Shut up!” 

“No, no! Let me help. You need to learn this. This foot goes out, then back in, then your other foot goes out, back in. No, not like marching, you have to move your hips.” Poe let go of Ben’s hands to grab his hips, trying to explain the foot work again. “You have to move your hips when you do it, follow through in the movement, like…” He tried to move Ben’s hips as he stepped to the side. “No, your torso and hips aren’t connected, there’s muscles here, you can move them separately.” Poe said between giggles. 

“Like this?” Ben tried to move with Poe’s hands, doing an awkward, overly big movement of his hips that didn’t match the step of the dance.

“On the beat!” Ben tried again, but Poe couldn’t handle it, he started cracking up, Ben joining in with him. “Maybe not!” They doubled over, sharing giggles, tears forming in their eyes. 

“I’m not made for salsa…I’ll keep my awkward side to side sway, thanks.” Ben wiped his eyes, still smiling, and grabbed his drink. “I’m made for margaritas though.”

“I believe it was made for you.” 

“Make me another?” Ben held out the glass. 

“Fine. Maybe tequila will help with your stiff hips.” Poe laughed, taking back the glass to make another batch. He sat on the table everything was laid out on as he measured the liquor into the shaker. He glanced up and caught Ben watching him. Poe took a breath against the butterflies in his chest. “Hey Ben?”

“Mhm?”

“Um, I wanted to say something…I—”

“WHO’S READY FOR TONIGHT?” Paige yelled as she burst through the door, already dressed up for the dance in a teal, sleeveless dress that stopped at her knees. The irony. Poe could have killed her for it. He pushed it off and gave her a smile. 

“Hey Paige, about time. Tequila or beer?” 

“Beer. Please don’t tell me you got that weird cider stuff again…” She made a face as she opened the fridge. “Oh, awesome! Thanks.” She pulled out a bottle and popped off the lid. “Braeden is coming over, too. Is that okay?” 

“Yeah, of course.” He added the ice to the shaker, capped it, and began to shake it. 

“What are you guys up to?”

“Poe was trying to teach me how to salsa.” 

“Oh my god, please tell me you got a video of it.” 

“Nope. You were late, you missed it!” Ben grinned and shrugged. “Sorry.”

Paige groaned. “Damn it!” 

“It was pretty good, I must say,” Poe added. He poured the new round of drinks into the glasses and crossed the room to join Ben on the bed again.

The faint beat of the bass from the start of homecoming could just be heard outside of Poe’s window. They had a full hour to kill before people really started showing up. Poe took another sip of his drink. BB8 whined from the floor. 

“You wanna come dance, bud?” Poe reached down to pick him up and set him on the bed between himself and Ben. Ben immediately reached out to scratch BB8 behind his ears. 

“I bet he can salsa.” 

“He can move his hips better than you, that’s for sure.” 

**

The music at homecoming was a real improvement from the previous year, and Poe found he could at least jam out this time. He, Ben, Paige and her boyfriend Braeden were smooshed together in a tiny circle in the middle of the crowd of students. Poe was glad he hadn’t worn his jacket—he was sweating through his shirt. He brushed more sweat off of his forehead as the song changed to something a little quicker, the bass rattling through the floorboards of the dance floor. 

Someone approached from behind Ben—nearly as tall as him, though less muscular, with soaked red hair sticking to his forehead. He leaned in to say something to him; Ben stiffened as he realized the new presence. Poe wished he could hear what he was saying, but the music was too loud. In the next moment, the guy leaned in toward them. 

“Hope you guys don’t mind if I steal your cute friend, do you?” He yelled at them over the music. 

Poe’s lips parted in surprise. If there was ever a moment to say something, to make it known, it was now. Unfortunately, the redhead didn’t wait long, tugging on Ben’s hand to lead him deeper into the crowd. Ben threw a smile at Poe, giving a little shrug of his shoulders. Poe did his best to hide his shock, pulling on a smile and throwing him a thumbs-up and a wink. 

The crowd absorbed Ben and the other guy, and Poe couldn’t see where they’d gone. He turned back to Paige, who was leaning back against Braeden as they danced together. Her eyes met Poe’s and she shook her head, clearly disappointed. Poe couldn’t blame her this time. He was disappointed in himself, too. 

Ben didn’t return. There was a part of Poe that was a little worried, but he knew Ben was responsible and could handle himself. The redhead was definitely a student here, Poe had seen him around before, but he’d never been in a situation to speak to him or learn his name. Besides, for all Poe knew, Ben was back in his dorm. Ben didn’t stay out very long at homecoming anyway. They usually called it quits early to beat the crowds leaving the event and to just hang. Poe decided to head out. Maybe he could see if Ben was home. He tried not to think about other alternatives…maybe Paige was right. He didn’t have many opportunities. Did he just blow his chance? Or was this the answer he was looking for anyway, because Ben looked happy to go along with the redhead? 

Poe knocked softly on Ben’s door. No answer. He leaned in, trying to listen to see if he was sleeping or if there was any presence in the room. Still nothing. Poe pursed his lips, trying to shove away the thoughts that were all too happy to beat him up. He returned to his room, let BB8 out of his cage, and cuddled him as he waited for the alcohol he’d had to lull him to sleep. 

**

He should have closed the blinds before he went to sleep. Forgetting that meant that sunlight streamed brightly in through the window at 7:30am, pulling Poe out of his dreamless sleep. He groaned and rolled over, hoping that facing away from it would be enough to send him back to sleep. No luck. He swore and got up, being careful to not disturb BB8, who was curled up by his pillow. He crossed and was just about to yank the curtains closed when he stopped, noticing movement outside. 

Ben looked…worse than he’d ever seen him. His hair was disheveled, purple bruises spotted his neck, the top few buttons of his shirt were undone, and it was completely wrinkled. He had both of his shoes on from the previous night, but no socks. His eyes looked glossy and tired—from lack of sleep or a hangover, Poe wasn’t sure. Poe frowned and pulled the curtains closed. 

Immediately, he crossed over to his own door and opened it. When the door at the end of the hallway opened, he peeked out. Ben shuffled down the hall. 

“You okay?”

Ben jumped, seeming surprised and disappointed that someone had noticed him. His cheeks flushed when he realized it was Poe who had noticed him. 

“Oh, yeah…I’m fine.” He stopped outside of his door and felt around in his pockets for his keys. “Fuck.” Tears began to well in his eyes as he realized he must have left them behind. 

“Want to come in? You can use my towel and shampoo, if you want to shower. Beebs isn’t done sleeping, so if you want to crash or something…”

“Sure, thanks.” Ben’s gaze stayed on the ground as he came closer and entered the room. Poe could see now that Ben’s lips were swollen. Worry pooled in his stomach. 

“What happened? Did that guy—”

“I’m fine.”

“No, Ben, you’re not fine. I’ve never seen you like this. Did he…did he hurt you?”

“What? No.”

“Okay, I just wanted to make sure. I don’t—”

“We had sex okay? That’s all.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah…” Ben sighed and rubbed at his eyes. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be a jerk…It’s just embarrassing, okay?”

“Why? There’s nothing wrong with that.”

Ben sat down on the bed, closer to BB8. He looked over at him as he spoke. “No, I know that. It’s not… I just thought it’d be different, I guess. I didn’t make the decision for the right reasons.” 

Poe sat down on the bed gently next to him. “Well, you’re supposed to make bad decisions in college, right?” He tried to give him a half smile. “I don’t know if that makes it better, but…” Ben shrugged and Poe frowned. “I’m sorry, Ben.”

“I’ll get over it. I just should have listened to my gut.”

“What would you have done differently?”

“Waited for you.”

Poe lifted his head, surprise registering in his eyes, hope sparking again. “What?”

Ben pulled his legs into his chest. “I like you… I was going to say something, but you seemed so excited for me when that guy came over, I thought you must not like me back. So I sorta just used last night as an attempt to start moving on, or something like that. Wow, it sounds stupid when I say it out loud. I expected you to act differently when you didn’t even know…” Ben rolled his eyes and shook his head before he rubbed his hands over his face. “You don’t have to answer. I just wanted to say it, because I didn’t last night.”

“Ben…” He leaned his head back against the wall. “God, I’m an idiot. I’m sorry. I was going to say something last night…he just appeared and dragged you off so fast I didn’t even…I didn’t want to make it weird if you were into him, which you seemed to be.”

“I was pretending.”

“So was I.” Ben turned his head slowly to look at Poe. “Ben, I’ve felt for you for almost a year…Paige has been on my case to say something since the beginning of the year, but I was too scared to say something, too afraid to ruin things. I was going to say something last night, but I screwed up my chance.”

Ben blinked and the tears in his eyes spilled over, sliding down his cheeks. His lips pressed together, chin wobbling. Poe felt horrible. 

“I’m sorry…”

Ben shook his head. “Don’t be. I’m relieved.” He gave Poe a smile, and it seemed genuine, not a cover up. “I thought I was going to have two things to feel terrible about, but now I just have one.” He wiped at his face. “I just feel stupid.”

“Me too.” Poe reached over to cup his cheek. “We’re both stupid.” Ben managed a chuckle, and Poe felt his chest loosen. 

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Can we be stupid together?”

“Think that’s smart?” Ben asked, his humor returning. 

“Eh, maybe not, but who cares?” Poe grinned. 

“Sounds good to me,” Ben answered softly. 

Poe’s gaze dropped, focusing on Ben’s mouth. His lips were fuller than usual. He hesitated a moment, but Ben’s lips parted, and when Poe looked back up at his face, his eyes held the invitation. Poe closed the space, kissing him as softly as possible, the opposite of whatever experience Ben had the night before. When he pulled back, Ben’s cheeks were red again, but the corners of his mouth quirked up. Poe brushed his thumb over the flushed skin.

“Let’s get you cleaned up?”


End file.
